Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My factory job was shipped to China, my new job can't pay the Bill's, I can't afford college and my current government blocked my healthcare. But I always vote for Trump so everyone gets a gun. That's important to me!

   Oh boy. Things are not looking good for the clown. See ya loser.

   If you're ever dreaming about buying an old air-cooled Volkswagen that's super dependable you can drive anywhere without a care in the world and never have to work on what you need to look for is a Toyota.

   No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you're just going to toss and turn all night, it'll be confused.

   Know why Trump doesn't wear glasses? He has 2020 vision.

   Like people who leave their Christmas decorations up all year I left my Halloween decorations up and saved a lot of work thanks to the spiders!

   My friend just told me that it takes three sheep to make just one wool sweater which I find amazing as I didn't even know that sheep knew how to nit.

   The sheep lives its whole life in fear of the wolf only to be eaten by the shepherd...

   When I die I have 2 wishes. #1- Scatter my remains throughout DisneyWorld.... #2- I don’t wanna be cremated

   Damn, I wish I had a structured settlement so I could get cash now!

   Looking for a DJ for my dog and cat's upcoming wedding. No weirdos.

   Death Star II: *explodes* Spirit Halloween: *opens a shop in the wreckage*

   Sure, I'll go to your no alcohol, vegetarian Halloween Party... I'll be coming as the invisible man.

   Men are so weak this days. Girls gotta date like 3 guys to make a full man.

   That’s not my fanny pack. That’s my stomach.

   there anything worse than getting interrupted during sex? Especially when you were about to achieve your big O.

   Cardi B's music hits different when you turn it off

   Look at me all out and about on a week night like some kind of rock star. Target Cashier: Credit or debit?

   Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

   Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower? All other inmates (in unison): No.