Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Botching a quarantine and causing an outbreak, because you hate Obama so much is a understandable thing to me.

   Dear Ebay, I bought a plunger from you three years ago and don't need any more notifications letting me know new ones are for sale like I'm some kind of plunger collector or have some kind of weird fetish for them. Thanks!

   My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

   Women are like dog doo, hear me through, don't interrupt It's just the older that they are, the easier they get to pick-up

   Aerosmith started a Chinese cooking school. It was entitled Wok This Way

   How do you know you're allergic to cats if you don't even eat them?

   We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It's a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

   I'm at my most walk of shame when I'm wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

   *Leaves a trail of chicken nuggets leading to the bedroom instead of rose petals.

   “I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.” - inventor of velcro

   Dude just told me that he's washing his hands more because of that "Coca-Cola virus."

   I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like "WHAAAAAT----NOT AGAIN!" and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

   You can try to take off my granny panties, but they'll just grow back stronger.

   I rather shove a wet noodle up a bobcat's ass in a telephone booth, rather than listen to another one of Trump's speaches.

   I told myself that I wouldn't drink today, but nobody ever listens to me.

   I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing. To let me know when I am wrong.

   The only thing I've ever made from scratch was dandruff.

   Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor? - me as a marriage counselor

   Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

   I don't understand why this loan manager won't get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.