Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: I've lost the dictionary Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything

   INTERVIEWER: you put "whiskey" as a reference? ME: ope I thought it said preference

   Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

   Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good. Mine is my back scratcher.

   a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

   Once again those were not booes. They were alternative cheers.

   Customer: "Sir, could you take a look at my car; it's making terrible noises." Mechanic: "Have you tried shutting off the Christian music?"

   Please don't Facebook and drive! And if you have to update your status just do like I do and pull over to the side of the road, which is where I've been sitting since ever since I signed up with Facebook in 2014.

   Going out with an Ex is like reading a book you already know how it's going to end.

   The glove snap before the prostate exam isn't necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

   Wonder why I'm such a night owl who who stays up all night?

   Ok guys Halloween is over take off your masks

   If you want to distract from you own crimes, blame something on someone else...and try to impeach.

   People who wake up at 2am to have sex, what’s that like?

   I used to have a amazing social life, until some idiot talked to me into signing up for Facebook.

   it really necessary for the first square of a roll of toilet paper to be glued down?

   I think the scariest costume I saw was a woman dressed as the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Either that or Nancy Pelosi had just come out of a Botox appointment.

   If you think your job is pointless there's a guy in Germany installing Turn Signals on BMWs.

   I wish my wife was better in bed. <sighs> <disables autocorrect> I wish my WiFi was better in bed.

   It's almost 2020 and we still haven't made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.