Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   A survey found 95% of men don't know how to turn a dishwasher on. Personally I find licking her nipples and a light fingering does the trick.

   Roach joints. Because yeah... I recycle! :)

   I'm going to take my new laptop back to the shop today. I've just noticed that the I, O, X and H keys are upside down.

   For the last time people....... I'm not fat! I am just so full of sexy that it over flows... There is a difference!

   Always have faith and believe in yourself........well... because... the rest of us think you're an idiot!!!

   The only thing worse than reading your status is having to look at your stupid ass profile picture next to it.

   Why is it that on Sunday when I say ”I can't, I have to be good at work tomorrow” I do anyway and I'm never good at work tomorrow?

   "Jacuzzi" - a Swedish word that loosely translates to "sweating underwater".......

   The world would be a much better place if everyone just did what I told them to do and stopped asking so many stupid questions.

   If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......

   They have auto-steer and auto-park on new cars, but I would like to see auto-drivemydrunkass homefromthebar.

   Men think about sex every seven seconds. The rest of the time is spent trying to come with a lie when a woman asks, "What are you thinking?"

   Money means nothing to me. If you don't believe me, just ask me for money. You'll get nothing.

   Just saw a t-shirt that said "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean" which translated to "Hey, I've got a small pen!s and a stupid shirt."

   Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.

   This girl I know asked her plastic surgeon to put jewels in with her fake boobs so she can have a treasure chest.

   The places where I think up the best jokes are usually in the shower and while driving... It must have something to do with being naked.

   I had a toy drive yesterday. I ran over all the toys the brats next door left in my yard.

   I believe in life after death, so I'm hoping my ex comes back as me, so I can get my stuff back.

   When your drunk, leftovers aren't so bad....... this may or may not be about food.