Funny Status Messages

   The part of my morning routine that takes the longest is deciding to get up.

   Home Depot is almost out of orange safety vests.

   I am now challenging 3 million Facebook users too send me a 1.00 cashapp $MgTimTim

   I was stuck for a costume. GARBAGE. That’s perfect.

   The next time you visit someone with an Alexa, secretly say, "Alexa, set 3am alarm with horror movie sound effects".

   If I weigh 99 pounds and I eat 1 pound of nachos, am I 1percent nacho?

   I am only the bigger person in an argument because I am fat, remember that

   That was terrible referring to Puerto Rico as a floating island of garbage. Everyone knows it's Haiti.

   Just for old times sake, I checked in on my Farmville. It's now a Wal-mart.

   It was only after the other brothers of The Jackson 5 refused to let him join that little Samuel L. first became angry.

   I'm on my second guardian angel. My first one quit and is now in therapy.

   There should be a reality show where flat-earthers search for the edge of the world.

   Don't forget to buy your Halloween candy early so you have time to buy more after you eat it all.

   I have no idea what a HD is but the doctor just told me I have 80 of them Fuckers.

   One of the biggest lies I tell myself: I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.

   n't it funny how sharks can smell blood, dogs can smell drugs - but some people can't smell themselves when they need deodorant?

   If there's a 'z' in the middle of a last name, they're Italian. If there's a 'z' at the end of a last name, they're bean poppers.

   Settle an argument.. If a man is doing laundry and sneezes is it ok to blow his nose in a pillowcase?

   I really used to hate speed bumps. But now I'm slowly getting over them.

   People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.