Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 506 of 6383
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
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11-24-2019 06:28
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I can tell if someone is judgmental just by looking at them
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11-23-2019 21:39 by Rickster
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On Thanksgiving day, let us all be thanksful that we were not born as turkeys.
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11-23-2019 09:10
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I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
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11-23-2019 07:12
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Should say in that religious book..
The Reason God created marriage..
So death wasn't so disappointing.
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11-22-2019 19:48
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every summer people try to work on their "summer body" ...i've been working on my winter body for years
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11-22-2019 19:43 by Eddy
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Did you know the Boeing 767 is made up of 3.1 million parts from 800 different manufacturers, each of whom was the lowest bidder? Anyways, have safe flight when you head home for Thanksgiving!
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11-22-2019 10:56
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Seeing a Camel Toe on a pair of leopard-print tights in Wal-mart is as close as I will ever get to going on an African safari.
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11-22-2019 09:53
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Me: sorry mom, called you by accident.. Mom: no worries, had you by accident.
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11-22-2019 05:31
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Calling your girlfriend your "lady friend" is a great way to let everyone know you both met on Craigslist.
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11-21-2019 21:56
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You know your a Volkswagen bus owner when you know how that your "Honk if Any Parts Fall Off" sticker also prevents tailgators.
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11-21-2019 11:57
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You know you're a VW bus owner when you pass a junkyard and always think to yourself "I wonder if they have any parts I could use?"
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11-21-2019 09:40
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You know you are a VW bus owner if part of your household budget includes a "Bus needs" section.
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11-21-2019 09:37
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Reasons to not eat cookies: - there are no cookies - you're trapped under something heavy and can't reach the cookies. End of list
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11-21-2019 06:20
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The line to get beer at this party is horrible, but it's even worse at the punchline!
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11-20-2019 22:18
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Shut off my Facebook birthday reminders. So let me wish everyone who's planning on having a birthday year a happy one! because you're special like that.
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11-20-2019 15:14
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The last time I bought a Christmas tree the sales person said “are you going to put that up yourself?” I thought, that is strange. No, I’m just gonna put it up in the living room
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11-20-2019 13:31 by Rickster
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I would pay good money to see that Mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.
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11-19-2019 10:37
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YES YES YES YES YES -me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
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11-18-2019 08:49
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50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
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11-18-2019 08:48
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