Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ten years from now facebook "friends in common" we all be related to adam and eve

   I would rather bleed to death than give up a fight!

   I don't know about y'all but every time I see that Direct TV commercial...I really want a miniature giraffe.

   Seems like life had more meaning back when pluto was still a planet. Now I don't really know what to live for anymore...Live for that next beer, perhaps?

   The word "Excellent" has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his Grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I would call him an "excellent" shot, but I don't think that's what Bill and Ted meant by "Be Excellent to each other!"

   If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.

   Just did 50 push ups. Really only 5 but 50 looks better on facebook

   These voices in my head are really annoying , but sometimes they come up with a good idea .

   I read someone gets divorced every 10 to 13 seconds. I'm not one to judge people, but that guy gets married wayyy too much.

   ‎"Be excellent to each other." ~ Bill S. Preston Esquire & Ted "Theodore" Logan

   "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine" -- Abraham Lincoln

   ❒Flossin' ❒Ballin' ✔Bill Gaten'

   Every thing I know about politics, I learned from School House Rocks.

   at the current rate of the economy hookers are gonna be giving away toasters soon.

   Feels sorry for K-9 drug sniffin dogs on their day off.....what do you mean we're not going to work....you don't understand mannnnn.

   2 beers $12, 3 margaritas $15, 4 jello shots $20 dollars, taking home the girl who drank all the above... priceless

   My blood type is Dutch Bros.

   I don't have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine!

   I bought a race horse and named it "my face" just so I can hear women shouting "come on my face!"

   I Just Drove Like Six Miles With My Left Turn Signal On...Yep I'm Officially Old!  ☹