Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just watch a damn naked Chinese man run into a wall at full speed with a hard on. He broke his nose.

   people will damn believe anything if you whisper it.

   If a transvesite goes missing, would you put their face on a carton of Half and Half Milk?

   My wifes new nickname is Karma

   WARNING, PLEASE READ - I don't usually re-post these but... If someone comes to your front door, and asks you to remove your clothes, and dance in your front yard with your arms in the air.. DO NOT do this, it is a scam!! They just want to see you naked.

   Why is it we know we have the right to remain silent... But never do it?

   I worry that you'll work in an office, have children, celebrate wedding anniversaries. The world of the heterosexual is a sick and boring life.

   can't seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.

   What's Strong enough for man, but made for a woman, the back of my hand.....

   INSTALLING SPRING... ███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 44% DONE. Install delayed....please wait. Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error: Season not found. Season "Spring" cannot be l

   Thank God for the internet! Curse those who search and find out that this is where I've been stealing funny from. Yikes!

   Can't figure out why people that wave, think that any action they take is permissible? Sure...cut me off, speed up in front of me....but as long as you wave your hand at me...its okay?!?!

   The question asked "have you ever been convicted of a crime" followed by "explain why"... so I put "no" and "good lawyer."

   Karma Sutra: When fate f*cks you in all sorts of creative ways.

   The hot lady across the street had a seizure on her front lawn today. Her MILF shakes brought the paramedics to the yard.

   When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.

   I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help... so I hired a hitman.

   You know telling the kids that the Easter bunny is watching just doesn't have the same power as Santa's watching!!!

   Nic Cage arrested for domestic abuse. Hope the judge throws a book at him -- y'know one that has good scripts & acting tips in it!

   FYI Nic Cage, If you keep telling police to arrest you, eventually they will do it....Hope the judge throws a book at him, you know one that has good scripts & acting tips in it!