Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if a bra is an "over the shoulder boulder holder" then what would you call men's underwear? Under the butt nut hut?

   I'm trying to see things from your point of view But I can't stick my head that far up my Ass

   Face it. We're all just a tank of gas away from government cheese

   Good Morning! I've survived to live yet another day in this beautiful world.. Dont take candy from strangers and remember ,Never trust a person with dry hands coming out of a bathroom !

   Zombie Zumba: Combining the two most popular Facebook topics into one!

   I am not saying the quality of adult entertainment has gone downhill around here but all the dancers here are wearing change belts!

   I think if we get our husbands helper monkeys, they'll leave us alone...

   Remember when text messaging was passing a note back and forth in class?

   After an intense workout of shakeweight and sit and be fit it's time to rest.

   ‎My teddy bears in the wash, may I cuddle with you tonight.

   Keep going on about how fat my Mamma is and you'll find yourself squished...

   Never trust a person with dry hands coming out of a bathroom

   Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you? There's an damn App for that. It's called "respect".

   Who spelled Licorice that way? It sounds like rice got some lice not delicious candy

   I'll stop drinking heavily when it no longer serves a purpose (when you get attractive)...

   Ya...I'm old school like that! On a desktop. Not a smart pad or a geek phone or one of those other really cool devices of technology that I wish I had.

   I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

   Just poked about 20 people in about 20 sec's flat... Whew... Blows on finger....

   I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee...so I pulled over and fertilized your crops.

   Got my umbrella taken away at gunpoint.....damn Burlington mall