Funny Status Messages

   The first person to make a Kenny Roger's Roasters cremation joke is gonna get a swift... never mind. It's me.

   I have a hug for whoever needs one....um I mean virtual hug as I'm practice the 6 foot rule.

   “Ask not what staying home on the couch can do for you, but what staying home on the couch can do for your country.”

   ALL STREAMING SERVICES SHOULD BE FREE AT THIS TIME!

   Yall remember when in 2013 Obama shut down the government... Welp in 2020 Trump shut down the whole USA

   If the TV news only showed him when he told the truth, he would never be on TV.

   No wonder Italy is feeling the worst of the Coronavirus. They're all out on their balconies singing two feet away from each other.

   I don’t mean to brag,. But I closed down a few bars back in the day without the Governors approval,.

   Every disaster movie starts with the government ignoring a scientist.

   Socialism bad, unless I need it. Love Trump supporters.

   Just think of all the things making big money during this. Netflix!, Disney+, Pornhub.

   Walmart just announced that they'll be hiring a hundred thousand new workers and now with any luck maybe they'll open at least more then 2 of their 27 registers.

   Hello Hello Hello Is there anybody out there? Just nod if you can hear me, is there anyone at home?....Oh wait I forgot everyone's home, never nevermind.

   Which fast food place has the softest napkins? Asking for a friend.

   Lifted my leg to fart like a young man and fell over

   Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

   Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

   What if it was April fools of next year when someone finally reveals to you the self quarantine ended 11 months ago.

   This is the first time in history when we can save the Human Race by lying in front of the TV doing nothing. Let's not screw this up.

   I wonder if I'll ever be mature enough to write the word "LOOK" without making the O's look like funny cartoon eyes.