Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.

   Brunette: what r you doing? Blonde: trying 2 commit suicide. Brunette: the rope goes around your neck, not your waist. Blonde: Tried that, but I couldn't breathe.

   Even a fish can escape being caught, if it keeps it's mouth shut.

   Lol @ the dude buying condoms and getting his card declined. He just got c**k blocked by Visa.

   seeing William and Harry all decked out in their uniforms yesterday.. I kept expecting them to break into that Sondheim tune from "Into The Woods" AGONY!

   it me or does Harry look like the bully from A Christmas Story?

   Once a pun a time, my jokes didn't suck!

   3 words, 8 letters. 3 syllables, 5 vowels, 3 consonants, 2 nouns, one emotion, many meanings, a big lie, a rare truth: I LOVE YOU!

   I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

   Fine England, you have princes and princesses, but we have OBAMA.......Oh wait.........;)

   I'd like to get one thing straight....My Son.

   I have curves and i'm not afraid to use them.!!!

   I would've went to the wedding just to wear one of those cool hats...

   "Prince Williams bachelor party musta been awkward. Imagine stuffing bills in some strippers thong and they all got a picture of Grandma on em."

   The only way I would honestly be able to say you are "hot" is if you were set on fire.

   "The biggest mistake you can make is being afraid to make one" (",)

   "You only live once, so don't think twice" (",)

   My mates a transvestite - He likes to eat, drink and be Mary

   The only reason I would want to see Donald Trump elected as president is so we could see what his hair does when he gets off of that big helicopter...

   - I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.