flinnie Funny Status Messages

   The only difference between a sink and urinal is an opinion

   I woke up in the middle of the night & wrote 2 status ideas down on paper. I need help

   I ate so much candy corn yesterday, I just pooped a candle

   Since I can't get my illiterate coworker use spell check, I set his email signature to say "Sent from my phone, pardon any typos"

   If having Rainbow Bright stickers on my face is wrong, I don't want to be right

   If you truly love someone you roll down the window to scoop out the fart you put in the car.

   Why does everyone love dolphins so much? They're mammals that can breathe under water and they're smarter than us. We should be worried.

   Just saw a hot girl delivering pizza. NOT in porn--for an actual job. The American economy is worse than we realize

   "I hate cats." - Curiosity

   Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills

   I just told my kids that our dog died, when in reality he went off to live happily on a farm somewhere

   I've just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn't need my assistance, so I'm going back to bed

   I look forward to having grandkids, so I can share my wisdom. Mostly wisdom about Angry Birds, Angry Birds Rio and Angry Birds Seasons.

   Some nights getting a 3-year-old to sleep feels a lot like trying to kill a Terminator

   The courthouse is a really great place to see people with neck tattoos wearing ties.

   Yelling "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PULL UP YOUR PANTS!", just as your boss ends a teleconference is a fun prank but you can only do it once per job

   I wonder how much trial and error it took before the guy that invented "pull my finger" got it down to a science and stopped pooping his pants.

   Did you know slugs have four noses? I'm totally going to dutch-oven one tonight.

   Tomorrow is of course the start of what most rock stations call Rocktober.

   Weird to think some people will have the word "cantaloupe" in their obituary.