m Funny Status Messages

   Every branch is full of hard-working intelligent people that always has our best interest in mind...I love the way our government it run. Are you getting this NSA?

   To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!

   When you are using a public urinal you must look straight ahead at all times and no chit chatting about anything, including the weather...it's the law.

   I have no adult supervision today and there is a peanut butter pie in the fridge...this will not end well.

   The doctor said I have to start watching what I eat and drink. Today, I watched a ham and cheese omelet, a bacon cheeseburger, a large french fry, a frosty, and now I am getting ready to watch a meat lovers pizza and a cold brew...I got this covered doc.

   Who ever said talk is cheap never got a bill from a lawyer for a 30 minute consultation.

   It seems like around 90% of my work day is spent between the hours of four and five o'clock.

   Tequila makes the world go around...I mean the room, it makes the room go around. :-/

   Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I'm just a butthead."

   Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I'm just a sheethead."

   The wife thought she was having her first hot flash but it turns out that it was just her boob in her cup of tea.

   I have been informed that my problems now have problems...I find this to be problematic.

   It is what it is, it was what it was, and it shall be what it shall be.

   Just once, I'd like to see Punxsutawney Phil open a can of whoop-ass on the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.

   never trust a fat guy to guard your fries while you go to the men's room.

   I wish cancer would get cancer and die.

   How about when you're in line at The Walmart and they herd ya over to express checkout and the people behind you get all pissed off.

   defeat is not the worst of failures, not to have tried is the true failure!

   Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out!

   never give up...often success is just a step away!