hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   So How long do I microwave these teenage turtles before I can teach them karate ?

   Someone told me: Don't fall in love, you might get hurt. I said: Don't live, you might die..

   Just finished at Walmart and McDonald's. On my way to visit a family member in prison to complete the trifecta.

   I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don't know anything about cars, but I do know how po rn starts off

   The first person that falls asleep at my parties doesn't get written on or their hand in warm water. They get the phone numbers of their girlfriend and ex-girlfriend switched in their cell phone.

   I knew she was "Trouble" from the moment the announcer at the strip club introduced her as so.

   Can someone help me with this? I wanted some homemade honey, but I don't know how many bees to put in this blender...so far it tastes horrible.

   The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.

   It's almost that time of year where I don't have to feel weird about eating cookies shaped like people.

   So I've never done cocaine, but I have a question. Why do people do it in the bathroom? If you were doing a drug that you had to sniff really hard to do, isn't someplace where people poop not the ideal place?

   I was wondering about my genealogy so I traced my family tree. Leaf it to me to trace my roots only to find out I'm the sap.

   People with "KEEP OUT" signs in their yard grossly overestimate our desire to come visit them.

   It's December! I guess it's time to pretend I'm putting up the Christmas lights... that I never took down from last year

   If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.

   I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...

   A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart while sitting on Mall Santa's lap, Real Santa will bring you extra presents.

   You find out who your real friends are when all you have left to offer is friendship.

   My ring tone is a woman faintly screaming 'Help me, Superman. Help me!' and then I run away, unexplained.

   I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom's bedroom. I can't believe it.. She's a superhero!

   I don't care how old I am. If I lose my mother in a super market I'm going to panic.