doc noland Funny Status Messages

   Nothing worse than meeting the right person at the wrong time in your life.

   Why are flies always rubbing their hands together? What are you up to? ANSWER ME INSECT

   Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.

   Sorry NCAA, but "The Process Of Paint Drying" is on discovery channel. Maybe next time.

   Ants can lift fifty times their own body weight, but do they lift even one finger around the house? NO!

   Popeye teaches you that spinach makes you stonger while completely skipping over the part about pooing your pants at work.

   Living without regret begins first by killing all the memory cells with something called alcohol.

   Pandora just suggested that I listen to a preview of Nick Cannon's new album and technology has never made me this angry before.

   Unless you're Roy bloody Rogers, or a Texas oil tycoon, I don't want to see anyone in a GaDern bolo tie

   Look, all I'm saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".

   I hope my death somehow involves a shrimp fork.

   My bed always shows signs of struggle in the morning.

   I've always had this fantasy to make love to two women......... Like, in the same year

   It's weird how starving people aren't allergic to gluten.

   This CNN coverage of a missing plane is the longest episode of Gilligan's Island I've ever watched.

   'tipsy' is not in my vocabulary... It's 'drunk' or 'sober'.

   Black mothers be like "your dad was on that Malaysia flight."

   One time I lost my phone for 6 days, so I feel your struggle Malaysia.

   Maybe that plane doesn't want to be found, have you ever think about that?

   What if they're looking for a "ping" but it's really a "pong?" Airplane jokes are really the in thing.