andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Every superhero has a secret identity except Aquaman because no one cares he's Aquaman

   Just overheard someone say they need an "escape goat" for their project & I can't decide if they're a complete idiot or an evil genius.

   Hi, welcome to adulthood! You’ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep

   FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.

   I had an epiphany, but I forgot it while I was trying to spell epiphany.

   Fell down the stairs today. Counting it as a workout

   Here's to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.

   My dog was sleeping so I put his paw in warm water. He peed all over the floor. I laughed but he's not embarrassed and I have to clean it up

   if you love something let it go, if you don't love something definitely let it go. basically, just drop everything, who cares

   If being successful was an amusement park, I'd be the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can't get out.

   5:spiders 4:snakes 3:serial killers 2:child molesters 1:couples that sit on the same side of the booth

   Me: I'm going to sleep Brain: No Me: Fine, I'll stay up Body: No

   Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "NO YOU WILL NOT!"

   If there's ever a crazed maniac chasing you with an ax, just picture him in his underwear and you won't be scared anymore.

   I never trust a politician 'til I see his sleeves rolled up, then I realize "WHOA that is one hard-workin' public servant."

   Just ate a half slice of cold pizza abandoned by my kid and wondered for the first time if I really AM Living My Best Life

   I've finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.

   Math question: There are 36 Oreos in a 14.3oz package. If Mike eats 3 of those cookies, how many minutes before he's like screw it and eats the rest?

   "Don't MAKE me turn this beat around!" — Gloria Estefan yelling at her kids

   Accidentally used the dog's shampoo and my hair is super shiny but the neighbors won't like what I just did on their lawn.