Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   It took a lot of persuasion and reasoning on my part at this 'all-you-can-eat' buffet, but anyway... long story short... I'm about to go down on the waitress.

   Life is like a box of chocolates, why is this box of chocolates yelling at me?

   "Excuse me ma'am?... I'd like to return this Birthday Suit." ... "Sir, you're naked." ... "Where's your manager!?"

   I'm not saying I'm lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my truck so I just wrote back "nah"

   So I ordered an industrial electric motor online and modified my ceiling fan, so now I have off, high, tornado, and hurricane. And oddly, a self cleaning house now.....

   I've just heard the tragic news about Taylor Swift. My heart is broken for her and her family. Sending them all my thoughts and prayers. She hasn't died, she's just making more music.

   A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women's facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren't looking at her face.

   I’m just glad it’s almost Friday! It’s almost Friday, right? Well, it’s close to Friday. It’s never going to be Friday is it?

   Whenever a stranger asks our baby's name, I always say he hasn't told us yet.

   Any bathroom without toilet paper is a panic room.

   I’m so tired. Almost time to crawl into bed and not be able to sleep for three hours.

   Babies are the 2 extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.

   I hate when babies wear really baggy diapers and try to act all street.

   You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.

   I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.

   Someone should check on Tyler Perry. He hasn't released a movie in like a week.

   one male, one female, one ex trying to mess it up and one friend secretly hoping it ends.

   If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.

   Remember to wish your dad a happy Father's Day, as well as thanking him for not wiping you up in a tissue.

   I bought a book entitled "How to Have a Good Personality." It's a gift for my ex.