KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   If someone tells you their horoscope says they're going to have a good day, it's your duty as a human being to punch them in the throat and prove them wrong.

   I'm sorry I slapped you but you didn't seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

   In some countries, DEATH is nature’s way of limiting presidential terms in office. You wanted to be a president for life, and now your wish is granted Mr Chavez.

   My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.

   Someone please tell Facebook that all relationships are complicated.

   Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.

   I miss being late for work because of morning sex. Now, it's because I dress my cat as Gandolph.

   Guys, tell her she looks more beautiful without any make up. She won't believe you but your odds of getting laid will improve enormously.

   I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.

   Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn't see himself in a mirror.

   Some people are in a long distance relationship with common sense.

   In life its only a thief who genuinely wishes you to prosper and succeed.

   Just once I would like to be summoned by a king, or a wizard, instead of the courts.

   Loneliness can make you do some strange people.

   Forget the wild animals, aliens, ghosts, snakes or spiders; the greatest danger to a human being is another human being.

   I’m totally gonna ask this lady breast feeding her baby, for a little squirt for my coffee.

   A pizza is a pie chart that shows you exactly how pizza you have eaten and how much is left.

   I makes me sad to think that drug dealers know better math than I do.

   I guess some people are the salt of the earth and others are the wounds.

   If you're crazy and you know it, shake your meds.