GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   The reason why I talk in my sleep is because my wife doesn't give me a chance when I'm awake.

   I let a lot of stuff slide cause prison don't serve the food I like.

   When I was young, I was poor. But after years of hard work, I am no longer young.

   Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

   There's no reason to tailgate me when I'm already doing 70 in a 35 zone. And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.

   Taking a dog named shark to the beach is a very bad idea.

   Welcome to Facebook. Please be patient - someone will disagree with you shortly.

   Based on my life choices so far, my guardian angel lied on their resume.

   You'll hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign two miles ago like I did.

   I've decided my 2025 will start on February 1st. January is a free trial month.

   Some days I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.

   Some things are better left unsaid. Which I generally realize right after I have said them.

   I want to steal a donut truck and go on a high speed chase, because it would be funny watching cops chase a donut truck on the news.

   Wife: Honey, does this make me look fat? Me: If you ran at the gym just like you run your mouth at home, you wouldn't have to ask that question.

   Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical. It's like the trash took itself out.

   If my coworker is getting beat up, better believe I'm jumping in to help. Because I ain't covering anybody's shift.

   Remember when we had to smack the TV because it wasn't working right? I feel that way about some people.

   You know me. If I ever win the lottery, rest assured nobody around me will be poor and I mean that. I will move to a rich neighborhood.

   Not to brag, but I was born sychic. For example, right now you're thinking, "It's psychic you idiot".

   If ever you feel angry toward someone, take a deep breath, count to 10, and then throw a punch at 8. Nobody expects that.