GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Don't judge me by my Facebook posts. I'm much worse in real life because there's no community standards.

   Did you know that Kamala Harris was in the movie The Wizard of Oz? She was the wicked witch of the west, and she didn't even have to act.

   I don't know whose manager needs to hear this but pizza is not a bonus.

   Some people need to forget about the fountain of youth and start looking for the fountain of common sense!

   Legend says, when you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake in someone else's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me that'd be great.

   The reason why hurricanes are normally named after women is because when they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car.

   Remember: When something goes wrong in the circus, they send in the clowns to distract the audience. Well, something has gone very wrong with this circus, and the clowns are everywhere.

   I showed my Facebook page to my psychiatrist and she wants to talk to all of you.

   My boss asked me to start off the meeting with a joke. So I passed around my pay stub.

   I pay attention to who reacts on my posts, because as soon as I get rich I'm buying you all tacos.

   My wife told me that women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and be quiet. Well, guess what? She couldn't do either.

   I love it when people get mad and speed past me, only to end up at the same red light.

   Social media has taught me a few things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are greatly outnumbered.

   Whoever said, "Out of sight, out of mind" never had a spider disappear in the bedroom.

   There are scams all over the internet! Send me just $19.95 and I'll show you how to avoid them!

   It's kinda weird realizing that we are the last generation on this earth to know what life was like before social media.

   Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster is a maniac?

   I miss the good old days when you could actually have an opinion without offending someone.

   Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives.

   What a lucky week! First I win the lottery, and then some relatives I'd lost contact with got in touch.