BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   Hopefully because of social networking, I've tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.

   How do they even grow boneless chicken's?

   Before you cancel my membership you might want to post a sign << Me to manager at my gym because apparently "tickle fairies" aren't allowed in the showers at this gym.

   Living in Oklahoma I get a lot of dumb questions like "Where's the Buffalo?" & "why do I have to show you my bo0bies for directions to the buffalo?"

   Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"

   People that will eat food even after they seen that I've pre-licked it to claim ownership, are my only natural predators.

   "Hand wash only" clothing in a man's closet stands for "wear 3 times and then throw away."

   Sometimes I'll scream out "FACEBOOK WH0RE"!!!!! in the middle of the mall just to see how many of you are out there.

   My wife says crazy stuff like "You're addicted to Facebook," "Pay attention to us" and "How could you not notice the house is on fire?"

   To quit smoking I can either take a pill that may make me want to kill myself, or take no pills and want to kill someone else...... Conundrum

   I just found a liquor store that gives air-miles. Should be visiting the Great Wall of China next week!!!

   What do you mean spray painting "SERVICE ANIMAL" on the side of my dog doesn't make it legal for her to be in Wally World?

   My Ex-Wife once asked me to name a star after her...Fugly-McWh0re-B!t ch is the brightest star in the sky!!!

   If one more teenager uses the term 'Back in the day'...I swear I'm gonna smack the Cr@p out of them with a floppy disk and choke them with my Members Only jacket!!!

   Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?

   Please drink responsibly this weekend and don't drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won't leave the house! ... Good talk!

   Stand next to a guy using a public urinal...Stare at him...Wait until he looks at you.Look in his eyes and say "Don't make this weird, bro."

   you are so beautiful that when we are out, people assume I'm dying and you must be from the Make a Wish Foundation.

   I honestly believe the reason I get such a dark tan in the Summer is because I spent so many years working on a Suntan Oil Rig.

   When you watch Jersey Shore, Darwin cries.