friday OR weekend Funny Status Messages

   How is Monday the 13th not as scary as Friday the 13th?!

   I gained an hour last weekend. I spent that hour figuring out how to change the clock in my car

   I ate too much salad over the weekend so I'm going on an Oreo cleanse today.

   I know what you did last Friday the 13th.

   "Friday" is an old Indian word that means "Just two more days until Monday."

   I'm going to give up paying for UFC and boxing, I can just tune in for free and watch the riots every weekend.

   The Mrs is visiting her mother this weekend, so the dog and I are smoking cigars and playing poker. In our underware!!!!!

   Short term goal, today get past annoying Monday and Monday's close friends, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday before hanging out with Friday and Friday's hot friends Saturday and Sunday.

   I've got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I'm gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.

   Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?

   I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut

   Fun At The Office Tip: Eat an Easter egg on the Friday after Easter, then wait for the employees to start an office pool named, "What crawled up your a$$ and died?"

   If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.

   "Mommy, can we go visit grandpa in Washington this weekend?" "Barron, I've told you a hundred times that is your Daddy."

   I met a woman on a date last night , and I don't think it'll work out , she said she's a weekend heroin user. If she can't commit to Heroin, what kind of wife material is she really ?

   Obama is at a All Male Gay resort this weekend. True story.

   "Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....

   Most immigrants still have a lot to learn about America. Like, if you're going to take a day off, take Friday, not Thursday...

   BREAKING: White House informs the public of excess bread in America resulting from a lack of sandwiches being made this weekend.

   Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up, on brain-dead zombies. Hang on. Sorry, wrong channel that was "The View".