Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, pen, cell phone, my temper, even my mind.

   My brother took going to jail bad. He wouldn't eat, smeared feces on the wall, swore and spit at everyone. That's it, I'm never playing Monopoly with him again.

   Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever. We call these people cops.

   Just got my electricity bill and I believe I got charged for the sunlight, the moonlight, the street light, the light of my life, the speed of light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

   The hardest part of making vegan sausage rolls is getting the vegan into the sausage machine.

   Exercising would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burned them.

   What's 23 + 44 ???

   The obesity problem is so bad in the U.S. that the 2 out of 3 people surveyed count as 4 out of 5!

   If you’re single, and you know it… Pet your cat!🎵🎶

   My boss asked me who was stupid, me or him. I told him that we all know he doesn't employ stupid people.

   Remember... drunken words are sober thoughts.

   If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks... Cost me an arm and a leg!

   It's amazing what that one degree can do in your home temp wise, up or down.

   Of course, I could kill you with kindness. But honestly, crushing your ego with sarcasm is just more my style.

   Have you ever used the bathroom and pushed so hard you reset your back.

   Well behaved men rarely make history.

   Boss: Starting pay is $11.59 but after 6 months it goes up to $18.40. When do you want to start? Me: In 6 months.

   I really hope my life doesn't flash before my eyes when I pass away. There are some things I'd rather not see again.

   I'm basically Superman except he has super vision and I require it

   I need to get back in shape but I'm kind of waiting to see if the world is going to end before I put any real effort in.