Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has Finally figured out the difference between us. You're me if I tried too hard!

   wondering, would It be fun if we started calling gynecologists, "tw@t dentists".

   Guys don't post stuff like ☆ BEAUTIFUL☆ FATHER☆ AWARD ☆ on eachouther's walls with the whole ˙·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙ crap after it.  We show each other love by posting, "Dude, you're an ass!"  

   Having a wireless mouse makes it way too tempting to throw it across the room when my computer gives me trouble."

   I'm a little tea pot, short and stout... Consequently, my brother the beer keg gets all the chicks."

   Deadliest catch, without the crabs, we're almost out of gas, call the Arabs!

   You know that instant disgust you feel when you find a hair in your food? Yeah thats exactly what I feel when I see you.

   I heard that Jehovah's Witnesses don't like census takers. They are opposed to someone they don't know knocking on their door.

   To show my support for all the democracy protesters in the Middle East, I am shaving my balls today(They were getting hairy and I needed an excuse)

   When I was younger, I wanted to be a famous writer like Hemingway. I got the alcoholism down, just not the hunting and suicide part

   I don't consider my dog my child. My child would not be able to knock you down like Ray Lewis and crush your bones with her jaw at 9 months

   Stupid people exist just to make us feel better about ourselves. Thank you, stupid people!

   I finally figured out how to f*ck myself... Take that, people that tell me to f*ck myself!

   Damn... You looked pretty until tht free trial of Adobe Photoshop expired,

   Love is like a Rubix Cube, there are countless numbers of wrong twists and turns, but when you get it right, it looks perfect no matter what way you look at it...

   I love Pandas, They're so chill. They're like "Dude, racism is stupid. I'm white, Black, & Asian..."

   We have a game show called Survivor in America....you can win 1 million dollars for doing something for 2 weeks that most people on this planet call "life"!! It simply amazes me how spoiled, ungrateful and lazy we are!!

   To those who worry about haters I say: You will never reach your DESTINATION if you keep stopping to throw stones at every dog that barks at you.

   wonders if cows laugh really hard will milk come out its nose?

   what happens in vegas,stays in vegas..except for herpes