Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel.

   There is no such thing as instant experience.

   The sucky thing about rapture is that I was totally going to start a workout regime THAT NIGHT. Stupid end of days.

   Just choked on someone's fart cloud in the computer lab. The Rapture can't come soon enough.

   Why cant I find Stephen Hawkings new techno album 'heaven is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark' on Itunes?????

   I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages

   Jennifer Anistons dog Normam dies -CNN... CNN, Dude seriously! www.whocares.com

   I got their girl going down like the ps3 network!

   Remember, don't text while being raptured.

   For sale. One Afghan bed, no longer required as owner has gone to sea. Looks new but it has bin laid in.

   Women who bleach their mustaches, clearly don't understand the problem with mustaches.

   The cops came at my house last night and told me my dogs had been chasing someone on a scooter. I told them off. My dogs don't even have a scooter..

   I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...

   The wife and I to spice things up have been getting into S&M. But it can be dangerous so you have to have a safety word. Mine is "bor....ing"

   no it is not daughters week, or son's week or mothers or fathers week! If ya really give a sh!t about them, go to their house, look them in the eye and tell them!

   I just winked at myself in my side view mirror...I must have my game on!?

   Zombie squirrels will feast on your nuts.

   WOW!!!! Gas is $3.85 what happened to $3.99? I can finally stop getting money out of my savings just to get gas

   ... and just think what the accent will be like on that Hispanic Schwarzenegger kid

   The only reason nice guys finish last is because they're holding the door for everyone else.