Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   payin for those jalapenos! My ass is on fire!!

   that awkward moment when she catches you trying to take a pic of her, and you have to pretend to be texting someone...

   ya "playa" skillz is broke, just like ya wallet!!

   I just watched an erectile dysfunction commercial for ten minutes before I realized it was Entourage.

   Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child. I saw that movie.

   Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(

   Centers for Disease Control and Prevention posted a blog on their website on May 16 , 2011; concerning Zombie Apocalypse preparedness.... ummmmm is there something the Government not telling us ???

   Dear Gain, You need to come up with a laundry soap that will wash the disappointment out of my sheets after a regretful one night stand.. Work on that. Sincerly, Every Guy in America

   I see that that they have released a "new" tape from Osama bin Laden. Great, it's going to be just like Tupac and Biggie, more recordings released after they were dead than when they were alive.

   1:00 in the afternoon and no one is on xbox live? What do people have to do this early in the morning that's sooo important you can't play call of duty?

   That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..

   A vampire goes into a bar and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".

   The so called 'rapture' doesn't apply to me, mainly because I have more than half a brain and think the bible is the best story ever written, if only J K Rowling was about at least it would have had wizards in it!

   Beyonces new song is so horrible i'd rather hear Betty White & John McCain make sex noises.

   I think instead of the "Poke" button on Facebook there should be "Punch in the Face" button.

   WARNING: If you can read this, then you are too close to procrastinating.

   Someone should tell Palin that using the term "lamestream media" makes her sound like an '80's movie bully. But maybe I'm just a spazwad.

   I'm opening up a special school for b@#$tard maid babies, I'm calling it "The Oprah Winfrey School For Bas@#d Maid Babies"

   Maybe nows a good time to change my status from aethist to very religious and it's complicated.

   The term “nymphomaniac” has been shortened to “college girls”.