Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to skip my digestive system and just place my Chipotle burrito directly into my toilet.

   I was going to collect homeless people, but they lose a lot of their value as soon as you take them out of their cardboard boxes.

   When I heard about Arnold, I immediately pictured Rosie from the Goonies!

   Dude chill, it's GYM, not the olympics

   If you see only one hilarious movie about wacky bridesmaids this week... make it “Thor.”

   heard Charlie Sheen's pissed now that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the front runner for "Schmuck Of The Year" award!

   It's not a Toomah!!

   Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices..

   My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible..

   I think all women who say, "All men are Jerks" mean to say, "All the men I chose to date are jerks" or put simply, "I am attracted to jerks"

   I think I'm going to call in raptured to work on monday

   When I see a woman post consistantly that "All men suck!", I reply with either "Perhaps the problem lies with you." Or "Tell us again who makes the choice to date these a$$holes?"

   Irony would be Arnold having an illegitimate son named John Conner

   I only make mental bets and coincidentally I've lost my mind.

   People who persevere are annoying to the rest of us who'd rather quit and go drink.

   wishes that my brain would autocorrect words before they leave my mouth.

   I just saved a bunch of morons on car insurance by telling them that morons shouldn't drive so they don't need insurance.

   If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.

   Your girlfriend is Rated E for "EVERYONE"

   If Facebook shutdown people would be in tears, shoving pictures of themselves in other people's faces yelling "DO YOU LIKE THIS?! DO YOU?!"