Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Due to public service cutbacks, the Rapture is simply going to be based on Santa's Naughty/Nice List.

   I've just spent the past hour chasing a daddy long legs around my house... then I realised I had a crack in my glasses.

   If anyone tells you they've lost their voice, they're lying.

   Good morning : ) I was thinking...What if the Rapture happens and you're in the middle of a poo? You'll be floating up to heaven, pooing on everyone below you.......

   The Rapture will begin this saturday let those who believe be killed by rocks and sticks the day after by thugs like me!

   wonders, what would happen if a witness was sworn in, asked to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth and the answer came out from his mouth is no?

   Imagine living with 3 wives and never leaving the house for 5 whole years... Now, don't YOU think Osama called the US Navy Seals himself.?

   if I don't answer my phone .. it's probably cause I am dancing to the ring tone

   Notice in a Library: " While reading the kamasutra , please hold the book with both Hands."

   It's Been A Tough Few Years For The Ocean, we've had the oil spill, the Japan radiation, and now "Hey! Mind if we put Bin Laden there too?!"

   Just told AT&T that I'd make a payment on my cell phone Sunday, so I'm really banking on this rapture sh*t..

   I've got 99 problems and I'm not dealing with any of them (Lay-Z)

   Someone needs to tell Dominique Strauss-Kahn that in this country bankers are only allowed to screw their customers.

   Ex-teammate says Lance Armstrong used PED's...I think I speak for everyone when I say "You didn't know till now?"

   If Facebook ever shut down, you'd see people aimlessly walking round streets, scribbling on walls, poking each other, searching for their friends, thumbs-upping and commenting at everything they see and tagging one another.

   When Facebook starts showing how many times you viewed somebody\'s profile, were all damn screwed.

   Send a Hallmark Card to my EX: ""I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here

   Stupid Question: When people see you lying down with your eyes closed they still ask: "Are you sleeping?" Smartass Answer - "No, I'm training to die!"

   It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.

   I don't leave voicemails because I know they aren't listened to. Yet, if someone calls me and doesn't leave one, my first thought is that it wasn't important enough for me to call them back.