Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “... of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father alone.” Matthew 24:36..If God has not even revealed to his own son the date the world will end, I doubt he has revealed it to Harold Camping.

   My mother told me that when I was born I was so surprised that I didn't talk for a year an a half.

   the dance floor is a priviledge not a right

   I'm putting together a crew for the Rapture, Just booked 4 Penske trucks for Sunday. I'm still in need of 2 drivers and 8 laborers. Meet me at the Wal-Mart parking lot at 6:00 AM Saturday, a BBQ will follow

   : Have you ever been the only sober person in a roomful of drunk people? ... Me neither.

   Fool people into thinking you have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.

   Today, I posted my status on Facebook as "slightly hungover." My grandma commented on it with "liar, you were helping me clean last night."

   hey Google, why don't you sit next to me during my exam?

   If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask someone else first.

   If the NBA wants to increase viewers, they should start playing FOOTBALL!!!

   While Facebooking, cars in front of you may be closer than expected.

   Always believe a woman when she says: “You don't want to know!”

   They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.

   Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

   When everyone is out to get you, paranoia is just good thinking.

   just watched a commercial asking if I suffer from schizophrenia. I think i'm okay, but will run it past the other voices...

   They should have captured Bin Laden alive and made him continually go through airport security for the rest of his life.

   Wow, Paul McCartney got married again?! Really seems like this relationship has legs.

   "Thor" is the #1 movie -- proving there's nothing Americans love watching more than an immigrant who's good with a hammer.

   I thought about being atheist...then I realized they dont have any holidays