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We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
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12-20-2019 09:16
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Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
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12-20-2019 09:15
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Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
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12-20-2019 09:15
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No matter how bad your attempt at breaking into a prison, it'll work.
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12-20-2019 09:15
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If the cops lied about me on 17 different accounts during their investigation, I would be found guilty too.
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12-20-2019 08:15
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what do you call a group of short people on a merry-go-round? ...a midget spinner
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12-20-2019 06:48 by
Eddy
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Netflix at 625am this morning :*bursts through door while I’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!
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12-20-2019 06:26
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Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
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12-20-2019 06:23
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I dont want to end this year on a bad note with anywone. So please apologize to me.
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12-19-2019 21:28 by
kisstopher73
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it happy impeachment or merry impeachment? I don't want to offend anyone.
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12-19-2019 21:11
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My favorite Christmas song is whichever one comes on right after Feliz Navidad.
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12-19-2019 19:59 by
Fazzy
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I put in an URGENT REQUEST to Santa last night for a mirror so you can locate that STICK that's UP YOUR @$S and REMOVE IT!!
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12-19-2019 19:36 by
JCGJ
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I'm still waiting for this civil war you promised for impeaching Trump.
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12-19-2019 16:06
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Engineer: A short circuit in the deer's nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it's dangerous. But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
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12-19-2019 14:07
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He's still my impeached president.
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12-19-2019 11:09
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Bought some pre-tangled Christmas lights to save some time this year.
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12-19-2019 07:08
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Should I make healthy lifestyle choices? Nah. I'd rather die sooner and happy, than live a year or two longer and die miserable.
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12-19-2019 06:27 by
BobBogin
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My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they're crying I can say "Gotham needs me"
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12-19-2019 05:44
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Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
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12-19-2019 05:43
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I'm "When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head" years old.
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12-19-2019 05:41
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