Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After sending a risky text, a minute feels like an eternity.

   Nothing screams "I don't care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.

   I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house. :)

   That Awkward Moment When: An Emo Goes To Mcdonalds And Orders A Happy Meal

   I take my garbage & recycling to the curb 2 days before pickup just to see if the neighbors are actually paying attention to anything else sinister I may be up to and answer, “No; pickup is tomorrow, I'm quite sure of it.”

   OMG! Only 151 more shopping days until New Rapture, October 21st!

   Drunk sex is ok, but drunk hugs are frantastic

   likes calling Ketchup, "meatloaf hot fudge".

   *girl look's at her moms drivers license* Girl: Mom, I know why dad left you! mom: Oh yeah, why? Girl: Because you got an F in sex.

   could go to prison for the things he has typed into his notes app on his Droid

   Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? - I do, as long as you get me drunk or take me back to my childhood.

   If a super villain attacks my house whose only weakness is leftover soy sauce packets from the take-out place, he is so f'ked.

   I wish I had a job where I could frequently say, "If my calculations are correct..."

   Today I seen a hitchiker giving me a thumbs up.....I guess he like my Facebook status??

   anyone else noticed that mirrors look really sexy?

   I wish I could find a drug dealer that could get me about 200 mg of Phuckitol.......

   If I were a gynecologist I would name my practice "All Up In Yo Business."

   When someone says “let's go get a cold one,” I always drive to the zoo because I know that's code for “steal a penguin.”

   Injunction - the new fragrance for women by Imogen Thomas. Indiscretion - the new fragrance for men by Ryan Giggs.

   What do you call a monkey thats always exploding? A ba-boom.