flinnie Funny Status Messages

   If you're out somewhere and can't find your wife or girlfriend and you're ready to go, start talking to the hottest chick there. She'll find you immediately

   Most of the time, I'd RATHER talk to the hand.

   How do all these "as a busy mom" moms get time to record commercials?

   I really hope my death certificate doesn't read "Buried Alive".

   A woman gave birth shortly after finishing the Chicago Marathon on Sunday. And that's why I don't run marathons

   I encourage more people to become hipsters. Eventually, it will make them mainstream and the self loathing can truly begin.

   If these walls could talk, they'd say "OH GOD, This HURTS! Get these nails out of me! Why did you paint me Mauve? Make it stop!"

   When I watch "Footloose" all I can think is, "They allow dancing one town over. Just go there."

   Hey Amish person reading this: Busted!

   I think women are born with the right to warm their cold toes on men.

   The planet Saturn = 7 rings, Michael Jordan = 6 rings, Kobe Bryant = 5 rings, LeBron James.........Just a Headband.

   People who write "WASH ME" on dirty cars are the same people who think "Pull My Finger" is the most hilarious game ever

   I'm so glad dog hair is an accepted accessory in society.

   Watching football shows me just how enthusiastic and pretty beer drinkers are. According to beer ads.

   The one thing you don't read about Helen Keller is how everybody blamed farts on her.

   If my dad were alive today he would say, "Stop telling people I'm dead".

   Hey kids you may think you are cool playing your music loud, but face the facts. You were probably conceived during a commercial during Melrose Place

   Instead of "lol" try "lsimhbiwfefmtalol". Laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud

   If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for

   Doing work on the bathroom, went to Lowe's and, long story short, still not mature enough to ask for caulk without laughing