Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   The boss phoned and yelled "Are you still asleep?.... You should have been here two hours ago!" I said "Why... what happened two hours ago?"

   Facebook has made me a better writer. My work emails are succinct, well-worded, and they make at least one reference to balls, farts, or sex.

   The cop thought I was texting and driving so I pulled down my pants and showed him why I was smiling at my crotch.

   Keep it up and you will die pretty early in the book I'm writing.

   Scientists have now confirmed that aliens do exist and in fact could be living next door to you as humans. So I shot the hot woman who just moved in next door 'cause her ass was definitely outta this world.

   Know your limitations, people. Sometimes certain body cavities just won't stretch that far.

   If it's a lady, I like to speak quickly in the drive-thru at Burger King by saying: "I have a Whopper!" When they ask: "what would you like on it?" YOU!

   I don't understand why you're mad. I used YOUR name as my password, honey! :) Who cares if the "hint" to retrieve it is ....BlTCH?

   WTF is with the "poke" suggestions on Facebook? I just poked TWO guys, thinking that THEY poked ME first?

   With all the talent in America it looks like they could have found someone with it to host and judge the show...

   People come in many colors. Orange should not be one of them.

   Desperate for sex I headed to the local club and immediately started chatting to the 1st girl I saw and got right to the point. "Hey beautiful, how do you like your eggs in the morning?" "Unfertilized." she replied.

   Bacon pie crust. Does that exist? Because if it doesn't I think I'm going to be a millionaire.

   Hey guys, if you wanna know if your new girl is keepin' up with her "womanscaping"... take a look at her feet. If they look like an eagle's talons, run... run hard and run fast. You're Welcome. :)

   Everything happens for a reason. - What I say when I put my foot up so far up your ass you'll be sneezing toenails.

   Sittin' in the Dr.'s office next to the "turn off cell phone" sign using my phone to share this with you. Because, yeah... that's how I f*ckin' roll. :)

   It's funny how the things I like most on a woman are the things I like most on chickens....... "Legs and breast."

   "I'm sorry, baby, I just have a lot on my plate right now." - Me breaking up with my girlfriend at Old Country Buffet

   Spare the rod, spoil the child? Um, no thanks. That sounds gross. How about I just keep using my rod to spoil these lovely ladies? (^^,)

   Just spilled coffee on my crotch. Now I have a hot rod.