Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I missed my 5 minute window for a Jack Kevorkian joke. Dammit... now they have all been done to death.

   You know how guys buy really large and expensive vehicles to make up for certain shortages? Well, I don't even have a car.

   Sorry used to mean that you won't do it again. Today it just means "I fcked up but I might do it again."

   Pink had her baby girl last night.... What color is it?

   They always say that the hottest person at the party never gets approached because people are intimidated to talk to them. I'm just going to assume that this is me... It would explain so much.

   No matter how old you are, no matter how much of a bad ass are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it.

   When you begin a sentence with “Don't tell anybody, but...”, the person you're talking to has already thought about who to tell.

   I still think if people put "whats on their mind" and were honest... statistically the most popular status update would be "sex."

   Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people "Happy Birthday," ever.

   Life is so much easier with a sense of humor.

   I've spent a small fortune on dog toys and the he's outside chewing on a cardboard box.

   says when a woman ask "what did you say?", she heard it, but she is giving you a 2nd chance to say it right

   when a woman ask "what did you say?", she heard it but she is giving you a 2nd change to say it right

   Apparently Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of..

   Ev1 says it's not the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean, well I ain't never seen no small ship make big waves!!

   I always ask myself WWJDD? (What Would Johnny Depp Do?) That seems to work for me.

   Thankfully, I don't suffer from homophobia. I do however, suffer from homophonia (irrational fear of words that sound the same but have different meanings).

   Dr. Jack Kevorkian can finally get those pesky patient opinion surveys filled out!

   I bought the new Kurt Cobain Bobble Head doll....but now the d@mn head keeps popping off it.....

   hanging up her spoon after a hard days s*it stiring.