Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Attack life,... it's gonna kill you anyway.!!!

   NO....Anthony Weiner did not tweet a pic of his weiner....he forward one of Clinton's from Monica's view!!

   can't understand why we call asteroids such a name when they are in the hemisphere, and hemroids so when they're on the ass!

   Anthony Weiner: I shouldn't tweet this pic. I'm married. Anthony's weiner: C'mon, do it. Who's gonna know.....

   That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked

   Dear neighbors, If you hear a lot of screaming and cussing please do not worry and/or call the police. I am cleaning out my garage and have Arachnophobia

   On-Star has made it so much more difficult for me to take my time when I'm robbing accident victims....:-)

   Welcome to the movie theater snack bar! We have some crunchy popcorn, noisey cups of ice, crinkly candy bags, maracas, bubble wrap, and a f*cking parrot! Now silence your cell phones.

   Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?

   The guy who figured out what kinds of sounds to make during karate was probably badly sunburned at the time.

   Dear politicians, you're dumb enough as is, so I'd highly recommend you stay away from social media.

   Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of major financial crisis?

   Everyone is fighting their own battle, to be free from their past, to live in their present and to create their future

   Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while delivering the mail?"

   You're the one who posted over a thousand pictures of yourself on-line, why does looking at them make me the weird one?"

   My dad once told me that, by definition, a leader is someone who has followers, and the more followers, the greater the leader. I think that was true right up until the advent of Twitter."

   During a particularly rough storm the other night, local weatherman advised getting into your bathtub, covering yourself with a heavy blanket and wearing a bicycle helmet. I am ONLY watching that channel's news from now on..."

   For the first hour of work, I've entertained myself by watching my eye worms. I hate when you go to look at them and they run away! Them lil B@stards are quick!

   Pregnancy Test: The magic wand that can make a man disappear.

   have you seen the new Hippie doll? wind it up and it doesn't work.