Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The minute people fall in love they become liars

   I am watching a homeless dude outside of a building using his reflection in the window to help him shave.

   if our women with babies use little spoons and forks to feed them. what do chinese people use? tooth picks?

   Went to Walmart in my bum yard work clothes today ..but strangley did not feel out of place...

   Boy are there ever a lot of garages for sale in my neighbour hood..

   I love how my laptopshasta a warning that says You should change your battery or switch to outlet power immediately to keep from losing your work. Lol "work". I wish I got paid to watch porn..

   When will women ever learn? Never hold a man to anything he says when he is drunk. It's the alcohol talking and it will wear off. And he will just claim amnesia when he sobers up.

   To my 23 friends who are online on Facebook chat at noon on a Tuesday. Get a job you losers.

   If I look intrigued while your talking to me it's because I'm thinking about how to give less f*cks about what you're saying.

   I switched to Herbal Essences shampoo, but quickly discovered that I don't have a clit on top of my head like those women in the commercials.

   When a girl cancels a date she cancels it because she has to. When a guy cancels a date he cancels it because he has two.

   Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.

   I'd like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I'm afraid they'll be used against me in a court of law someday.

   No darling 56 guys didnt like your profile pic because you are "pretty." They liked it cause your BOOBS are hanging out.

   I didn't say you were stupid! I said “It's too bad you can't get by on your looks.”

   Congressman Weiner's wife: "ANTHONY!!! I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!"

   I use to say “That's How I Roll” until I fell down a hillside. It was much different than I imagined. Now I say: That's how I scream & bounce.

   If the 6-year-old me knew that I bought a house instead of a helicopter he'd kick my ass.

   Do you know what I find interesting? ...Neither does this person who keeps talking to me.

   Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.