Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You put a little vodka in the Jello shots and its all ok, but let me put in a little cystal meth and all of a sudden I'm the bad guy.....

   I am strong because I know my weaknesses. I am alive because i'ma a fighter. I am wise because i've been foolish. and I've laughed because i've known sadness.

   Apple is coming out with a new phone. It's called the Lebron james edition. It's silent and has no rings

   Lazy Rule #19401957294710149: you're so lazy you didn't even finish reading the number.

   City of Dallas just announced tomorrow is Lebron James Day. Everyone gets to leave work 12 minutes early.

   in Dos Equis Man voice... " Lebron's game doesn't always disappear, but when it does he prefers the playoffs"

   I wonder if Lebron & Wade are gonna mock Dirk holding up the trophy?

   DALLAS - (D)irk (A)int (L)etting (L)ebron (A)ss (S)hine

   I bet Cleveland is cheering louder than Dallas. Way to go Mavs!

   I went outside once.... The animation was alright, but the characters and story line sucked.

   70 years after WW2, and LeBron James has America rooting for the German. SMH, Congratulations Mavericks......

   this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can't talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao

   Terrorists are like salmon, life is good until the seals show up

   I don't think Cough drops have an expiration date but at some point you have to start eating them with the wrapper still on.

   I just stepped on a Lego piece in bare feet and accidentally won a krumping contest.

   A lawnmower is like a man. You either have to push it or ride it if you expect to get any work out of it.

   Big Boobs makes my ADHD go crazy!

   - Boobs are a lot like toy trains...they are meant for kids but dads like playing with them too

   Anthony Weiner just needs to call Bill Clinton and get advice from a pro.

   on tv shows whenever someone gets audited, they have a box with all of their receipts. Who has a box? I don't have a box. Should I have a box?