Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I see someone pushing a dog in a stroller I understand why the news is filled with murder.

   ____ Things I've done more of since I joined Facebook: 1. Less

   Sometimes you see more when you stop looking. Except when I'm at your bedroom window. Then I see EVERYTHING.

   My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

   Every time a bird poops on my car... I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of

   Lebron needs to start asking himself WWJD ( what would Jordan Do?)

   That awkward moment when your nose can't decide if it wants to sneeze or continue to make you look stupid… and then not sneeze at all!

   Math teacher: I have 5 bottles in one hand, and 6 in the other. What do I have? Student: A drinking problem?

   Palin emails show's that she hadn't had a vacation in 5 years. Heck, the Obama's can't go 5 weeks without a vacation.......

   i doubt you're really laughing out loud

   My hangover feels like someone is screaming at me in German.

   What I love best about sex with a married woman is wiping myself off with her husband's clean underwear!

   in a world that has Taco Bell is there really a need for X-Lax? just sayin :)

   The best thing about using exclamation marks is that no one knows how sad you are!!!

   Everybody loves pot brownies. But I bring crystal meth cupcakes to a party, suddenly I'm the weirdo.

   All Right.unless you are a cup of coffee stay outa my face for the next hour!

   man you should have seen this girl walking past me she said " omg your so hot I want you now" if you don't believe me ask Brad Pitt he was behind me.

   Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

   Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man, fishing's not that hard.

   you know you've had too much to drink when you try to fax someone a fruit rollup.