Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Couples who exchange "sweet nothing" on facebook, stop it, every time you do that I kick a cat.

   If there is any time to pay attention, it is while typing grandfather clocks into an image search.

   Finally...a woman who can make me smile without taking her clothes off.

   What has a Klondike bar ever done for me?

   Tip: Always say the stain on your shirt is from today.

   You should have to apply for a permit before youre allowed to use the Reply All button.

   I dont have a dog, I eat my own homework.

   engagement ring: a down-payment for alimony

   Just to be different, I cry about being single on the 4th of July, and celebrate Valentines Day with explosives.

   Hey couples who write on each others Facebook walls, NO ONE cares how much you love each other, so cut it out!

   If you invite me to your BBQ and you don't have Southern Comfort then I ain't coming.

   Coffee...Meet your Maker!

   I wish instead of the stock market you could buy stock in famous people. This country is already obsessed with celebrities, we might as well have somethin to lose. Instead of hedge funds, you could buy families. I would totally buy Will Smith's family!

   Lawyers talk how Doctors write.

   If HP made weapons there would be no wars because the stupid ammo would cost more than the guns.

   We dont remember anything from last night....Remember

   I don't usually pick up hitchhikers but this poor guy looks like he's running late to hockey practice. He already has his mask on.

   Its my policy never to date people who just broken up coz the chances of them going back to their ex are too great to ignore leaving me all alone looking like a schmuck.

   I always choose Pepsi over Coca-Cola because I prefer my soda dehyphenated.

   You're her boyfriend?! That's cool! I'm her manfriend!