Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today. :)

   I'm not an alcoholic! I just walk around with a mouthful of whiskey, so if someone says something stupid I can spit and light their face on fire.

   I hate when my boss says I have to act more professional and learn how to wear pants up to my belly button, and plssing the plants is not watering them. YADA YADA YADA

   If your girlfriend's cat gets eaten by an angry pitbull terrier, gently singing "The Circle of Life" into her ear WON'T cheer her up.

   They say being successful and living well is the best revenge... But rubbing your naked ass all over someone's cell phone when they aren't looking is pretty good too.

   I asked the lady from the collection agency out on a date. She turned me down, but keeps calling. I told her I'm too old for games.

   Don't wast your time being the one who is always there desperately waiting and being just an option.

   Some goals in life require you to try and make everyone happy and forces you to be fake.......... Ain't that right @Obama and @Oprah

   I'm sitting here wondering why my book '101 ways to kill a postman' still hasn't arrived.

   My wife said I'm an idiot who can't do the simplest of things right. So I packed her bags and left.

   Seriously. Beating up on this Wiener thing is getting old.

   i see you poked me, does that mean your dtf?

   SMH... you don't know which head I'm talking about now do you.

   Not all relationships are meant to last the distance. Some are just practice for the one that does.

   whats the point of being nice if it goes unnoticed.

   Stupidity comes in all shapes, sizes, flavors and colors.

   Just learned my (now broken) phone is NOT a transformer... Evidently, "Airplane mode" doesn't mean $H!^...

   one of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

   Spilled my skittles in the toilet by accident today as I went to flush.. What I thought was a disaster turned into an awesome 10 second NASCAR race..

   so I put my phone in airplane mode and threw it up in the air. Let's just say, worst Transformer ever...