Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Doing the Jerk....its a dance...To be honest I could jerk it all day...And I dont ever see myself gettin tired doin it...And its a good workout too..I mean my arm is already gettin tired...And I only been jerking for a couple of mins now..I love dancing

   Just wrote a new song "I Can't Get Over a Girl Like You So Get Up and Answer The Phone Yourself"

   no mere mortal can resist The evil of the thriller!!!! I'm thinking it is a klondike bar.

   How good something is has no bearing on how popular it will become.

   To all the women I've dated. If we have a secret love child together that you never told me about, just have them get me a giftcard for Father's Day. Thanks!

   Beer, you and me. In the kitchen. Now.

   Obama is not a brown-skinned anti-war socialist who gives away free healthcare. You're thinking of Jesus

   I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet

   To all those that use our competitors brand...Happy Father's Day From the people of Durex

   ♫ If you're crazy and you know it take your pills! ♫ *clap…clap*

   Dear guys that keep sending me creepy messages telling me how much you want me: You have as much of a chance with me as a midget does of being the next NBA superstar.

   10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy... just sayin'

   I like my women like I like my coffee....Ethically purchased from small farming cooperatives in South America and delivered to me on the back of a donkey.

   Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.

   Never hit a woman. No matter how bad the sandwich is.

   this is an encoded message only those who are worthy will be able to read: 370H-SSV-0773H

   What do you do when you have a Tiger chasing you from behind, a Bear on your right and a Cheetah on your left? GET YOUR DRUNK ASS OF THE MERRY GO ROUND!!!

   Lesson of the Day: This is your ass (_._) This is your ass on prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime!

   I'll be starting group meetings at my house for people with OCD. Not because I have it, but because I know someone will get the urge to clean up my damm house! OCD'ers...Cheaper than maid service!

   The longer I sit in a drive-thru, the more pennies I'm gonna pay with.