Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw a sign on the door of a Wal-Mart that said “It is illegal to set off fireworks inside the building.” I really wish I had been there on the day they decided it was necessary to post that.

   Women....... Can't live with them, can't get them to dress up in a Nazi uniform and spank you with a Bible.

   Definition of a guy who knows nothing about women: A guy who thinks PMS is that american tv channel that shows like Nova and Antiques Roadshow come on.

   What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

   When I see an argument on Facebook, I sit there refreshing the page while thinking to myself, "This is gonna be good!"

   I can't stop drinking about you.

   I just saw a dude put sunscreen on his back by squirting it on a wall and backing into it.

   My girlfriend needs to start putting her cell phone and keys right next to all the things I've done wrong that she will never forget.

   I want that job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.

   People who describe things as "better than sex" are having the wrong kind of sex.

   If the caller I.D. reads "unavailable" then so am I.

   Getting sex from my gf is easy....I just have to buy her stuff..!!!

   the pill...... the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid pregnancy

   Without mentioning any names, I know my phone is smarter than some people I know.

   My teacher always is talking to her imaginary friend named "Class".

   I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.

   Some chick told me to get lost so I bought every season on DVD

   Life is like a sports car: It goes too fast, and it costs too much

   Only when they're in a fix and in need your help do they come to you all sweet and humble. I won't buy that sh*t. Fu*k you and your problems.

   I don't LOL as much as I lead people to believe I do...