Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Instead of "single" as a marital status, they should put "independently owned and operated "

   What do you call a guy who thinks women belong in the kitchen? Single.

   still very much single! So is now taking applications if you think your suitable for the position apply here the pay is terrible but the benefits are great...

   No Ma'am. I did NOT say your child is ugly. All I said was that I would fear for my life if he were ever to get wet… or eat after midnight. I'm sure you won't have to worry about pedophiles either.

   Happy Friday!! And to all my Atheist and Agnostic friends out there... T_IF!!

   Love means sharing your thoughts, your fears, your dreams, your hopes, your pin codes and passwords.

   Well, just did my daily "walk of fame" where I go outside with my coffee and lie to squirrels about how I got laid last night.

   I caught my girlfriend sliding down the hand rails of our stairs over and over... I asked her what she was doing, she said "I'm heating up your dinner!!!"

   Sex, Drugs, Rock 'n' Roll. Speed, Weed, birth control. Peace, Pot, Tequila shot. Jesus loves us stoned or not.

   I wish the best for my ex-girlfriend. I really do. I hope she meets someone honest, friendly, and kind. Cause, you know, opposites attract.

   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "WTF! You too? I thought I was the only one."

   Tequlia DOES make her clothes fall off! Okay, she passed out and somehow they "fell" off, but still.

   I wish computer commands worked in real life. You make a mistake with your girlfriend = Ctrl+z. Your girlfriend dumps you = Ctrl+Alt+Delete. Your girlfriend starts seeing your best friend = sledge hammer to screen.

   If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression!!!

   I googled 'understading women'... LMAO was the result.

   If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.

   I just finished watching that movie where Julia Roberts has a lot of teeth.

   You want confessions? Lock a person in a room with a laptop, a Facebook account and a bottle of booze.

   There is a thin line between spirituality and insanity.

   Happy TGIF to all you hardworking homemakers...(hey, its cheaper than flowers)