Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're only interested in me when I'm ignoring you, I'm about to become irresistible.

   TODAY IS THE DAY HELL FROZE OVER....I got to work at 815am...enjoy the cool breeze!

   Thinks Meatloaf,KORN,& Limp Bizkit, Should Do A "DINNER TOUR"!

   starting up a dating website exclusively for pyromaniacs. I shall call it "Mymatchbook".

   at walmart and apparently didnt get the memo for wife beater(uundershirt) day

   Call me childish, but I can't help chuckling to myself whenever I see a senior citizen point at something using their middle finger.

   S.H.I.T. So Happy It's Thursday!!!

   kids are like farts, I can barely stand my own let alone other peoples

   My girlfriend called me a pedophile! I was shocked! That's such a big word for a 5 year old

   I wish we could google how a certain person feels about us.

   Be careful when getting on Facebook! Side effects may include; mood swings, constant crying, finding love, tired fingers, loss of friends, divorce, it's complicated, loss of time, starving family, dirty home, and too much drama!!!

   You know youre really upset when you find yourself blasting music from Taylor Swift

   Doesnt it blow your mind away that 2011 is already half way over?

   I want you to know something but I dont want to tell you so I'll let the first three words of this sentence explain it

   Love is like a rubberband. We keep pulling, someone lets go and the one who held on gets hurt

   Walmart: Because going to Target requires a shower

   Go hang a salami and I'm a lasagna hog are the same backwards.

   I joke a lot, but in reality nothing can stop me from reaching my goals, except for shiny distractions or moderate discomfort.

   Shia LaBeouf has every vowel in his name, which might be the most interesting thing about him.

   Just crossed over into the Friend Zone.