Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Growing up I never needed to wear my seat belt because my mom let me ride in the trunk.

   What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant girl all have in common? In each scenario there is a DUMBASS who did not take it out in time

   Some women are terribly hard to please, ... . . . . . the rest are Impossible

   I honestly think that women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.

   3 dreams of a man: To be as handsome as his mother thinks.To be as rich as his child believes.To have as many women as his wife suspects

   God made us all different. But when He got to China He thought...to hell with it... Copy, paste, copy, paste

   Some idiot just bought MySpace for $35 million. That has to be an Antiques Roadshow record!

   If the replies you get from text messages consist of only one word, take the hint.

   If you're only interested in me when I'm ignoring you, I'm about to become irresistible.

   TODAY IS THE DAY HELL FROZE OVER....I got to work at 815am...enjoy the cool breeze!

   Thinks Meatloaf,KORN,& Limp Bizkit, Should Do A "DINNER TOUR"!

   starting up a dating website exclusively for pyromaniacs. I shall call it "Mymatchbook".

   at walmart and apparently didnt get the memo for wife beater(uundershirt) day

   Call me childish, but I can't help chuckling to myself whenever I see a senior citizen point at something using their middle finger.

   S.H.I.T. So Happy It's Thursday!!!

   kids are like farts, I can barely stand my own let alone other peoples

   My girlfriend called me a pedophile! I was shocked! That's such a big word for a 5 year old

   I wish we could google how a certain person feels about us.

   Be careful when getting on Facebook! Side effects may include; mood swings, constant crying, finding love, tired fingers, loss of friends, divorce, it's complicated, loss of time, starving family, dirty home, and too much drama!!!

   You know youre really upset when you find yourself blasting music from Taylor Swift