Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I judge you by what's behind you in your photos.

   Facebook: a place where people announce their problems to the world but not to the person they have a problem with.

   Almost 7 billion people on the planet and I find about 10 of them somewhat tolerable once in a while.

   I'm having one of those 'wish I lived in Amsterdam' kinda days.

   Middle finger up... Cause I dont give a fu**!

   geez, I'm guessing from all the depressing posts on FB that it's "that time of the month"

   The words "Haters" and "Swag" are overused by the people who have neither.

   BREAKING: Reality TV star Rod Blagojevich to move from NBC's 'Celebrity Apprentice' to MSNBC's 'Lockdown'.........

   In the show "Get Out," you will see destinations you'll never go to hosted by women who will never sleep with you... in HD.

   ran 2.7 miles today. apparently the ice cream truck doesnt have rear view mirrors.

   I asked my gf to record the game on ESPN, which she did, but not ESPN-HD. And then she says, 'Well, at least you still get to watch it.' Oh yeah, I pay extra money so I can watch TV like poor people. I don't even feel bad for cheating on you this weekend.

   Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.

   Will somebody let me borrow their Delorean to travel to friday already!

   if there was a more adult way to say "extra chocolate" I would enjoy more shakes in my life.

   If you're cooking alphabet soup on the stove and leave it unattended, it could spell disaster.

   If you can't afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don't know where you are!

   I know my limits. I don't pay any attention to them, but I know them.

   i've seen more a$$ then a toilet seat

   I always say the things better left unsaid.

   Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.