Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Going to lite that fuse on your tampon if you dont shut up

   Like a Wierd Neighbor, State farm is there

   What good is one phone call in jail if they won't let me use my cell to find the number, no one remembers phone numbers these days!

   I'd tell you to go to hell, but I damn work there, and wouldn't want to see you everyday.

   Two Lovers plan to sucide. Boy jumped first. Girl closed her eyes and return backsaying 'Love Is Blind.' Boy in air 0pen his parachute saying 'Love Never Dies to'.

   Now my friends all hate me because I've been keeping my enemies closer.

   You don't even know how many public pools you can get into for free with a bunch of sunblock on your nose and a whistle.

   I want to be elected president, learn the truth about aliens, and then resign.

   Love is never wrong...Especially when that love is between two young carefree ladies who have wandering hands and a deep curiosity for experimentation...Yea that's some real love :)

   Sarah Palin must be looking at Michele Bachmann and feeling the way the Jonas Brothers felt about Justin Bieber.

   The ice cream man has been turning his music off on our block since the day we paid with a protein-crusted sock full of corroded pennies.

   I hate that disapproving look George Washington is giving me on the $1 bill. As if to say "You're making bad choices."

   To prevent addiction, candy companies are forced to insert the yellow ones.

   I swear, it's like I'm creating FB statuses with my brother's kids or somethin'. You nerve-wrackin' sons-a-b!tches.

   (tune of row your boat) Roll roll roll your joint, twist it at the end. Spark it up and take a hit, pass it to a friend!

   Why does a hooker make more money than a drug dealer? She can wash her crack and re-sell it!

   Everybody wear a Facebook t-shirt and FlashMob 8am at MySpace HQ when Tom gets to work. Be there!

   How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Aladdin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy,

   When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

   One good way to reduce alcohol consumption, before marriage drink when your sad, after marriage drink when your happy.