flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I took one of my wife's vitamins this morning if anybody wants to go shoe shopping or ask my opinion on curtains, call me

   I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lenses

   Just put on my Halloween costume! This year I'm going as "Guy Who Thinks Halloween Is On October 19th."

   Though they are called supermodels, they do not have any super powers. Unless class 2 drug dependency and being very thin is a power

   n't it about time Kim Kardashian made another sex tape? I'm starting to forget why she is a national treasure.

   Not sure how to feel about always being the one asked to take the family group photo.

   "I'll bring you home something from work" sounds a lot cooler if you're dating someone who works at Victoria's Secret and not Hardee's.

   I don't cut in front of people whenever I'm waiting in long line, that's rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.

   When I die, I want my last words to be: "I left a million dollars under the...."

   Autocorrect is like that person who just graduated college and think they know everything.

   They should let the guy who named a group of crows a "murder" name more stuff.

   My wife watches cooking shows constantly, I don't get it because her cooking isn't any better. I'm sure she feels the same way about me and porn.

   There is probably a lot of ATM security camera footage of me rocking out.

   If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out

   If there's anything better than yelling at squirrels, I'd sure like to know what it is.

   Hey, people who jog in place when you're at a red light. Calm down. We're already judging you. Don't give us more ammo

   Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend's diet coke. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.

   I'm at that stage where I have the wardrobe of a skateboarder and the hairline of someone who yells at skateboarders.

   Celebrity Divorce is sad, but not as sad as non-celebrities who care about Celebrity Divorce.

   As a parent, I appreciate how Sesame Street glosses over the Count killing and feeding upon other muppets to survive.