Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Women must love you because you are the biggest d!ck I have ever seen

   I had to complain to my neighbor again about her sunbathing while I am NOT at home

   I was born in the 70's.......which means the Doctor probably needed to use a weed whacker to get me out!

   My girlfriend told me that I need to treat her like she is something precious... So I threw her into a Volcano.

   I really think that Rihanna's last name is Featuring.

   They say every birth is a miracle of God but after watching these people at Walmart they would probably become atheist.

   If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.

   People who are offended by offensive things offend me.

   I guess firefighters really get pissed when you call and say your house is on fire and when they show up, you just want your pool filled for the season...

   I found out two things last night. 1. Sometimes bowel movements float. 2. My neighbors have a new hot tub

   Avoid arguments on facebook with someone who types faster than you...

   All these idiots that attended my Elvis Impersonation Show wants their money back but I had on the correct sun shades and costume AND I WAS LYING PERFECTLY STILL IN THE CASKET....... so, SCREW 'EM

   My co-worker informed me that people raised with manners say “Please” and “Thank you.” So I responded “Please, shut the f*ck up, thank you.”

   eHarmony should be more like Amazon for those sad lonely people. "Customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03."

   You don't truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.

   I don't care how nice my neighbors are, I still wanna put their garden hose in their bedroom window and turn it on around 3 am.......

   The world will be a much better place if everybody took a chill pill... It would be even better if some of them choked on it.

   I like my women like I like my coffee... Hot, Sweet and "That's mine, don't f*cking touch it!"

   "Let's just be friends" is a woman's way of saying she would rather mutilate her v@gina than sleep with you.

   Just once, I'd like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say, "ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"