Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think people who get really offended by things they read on the Internet are probably the same people that take minigolf really seriously

   A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: - Jane ate her friend's sandwich. - Jane ate her friend's colon.

   it too much to ask that they let me know I typed my password incorrectly BEFORE I click on all the pictures that have sidewalks?

   Gonorrhea would have been a great name for an anti-diarrhea medicine.

   When the China balloon was flying across the country, the Government should have used planes and jets to send it to the Seattle space needle

   A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

   Just heard that Lady Gaga will be performing a concert in outer space this summer. I think it's really sweet of her to do a concert right in her own hometown.

   I broke up with my girlfriend. She had leprosy. I got tired of picking up after her.

   Today I took a good long honest look in the mirror and I did not like what I saw. (No I'm not feeling guilty about anything, I just look like crap.)

   I wish TG women could get periods. Then this silliness would end in 28 days.

   Fast Food drive thru's need a 3rd window, so you can trade in all the wrong items they gave you at the 2nd window.

   Female bodybuilders are tight, cut, buff, toned and defined. With the face of a man.

   Could someone direct me tothe better states message board

   Beedo Boop Bop Beeda Beep Boop Lop Bee eezz ... YOU'VE GOT MAIL !! 📭😁

   April showers bring Mayflowers... and we all know what Mayflowers bring... PILGRIMS!

   I wonder what they make the robots do on their websites to prove that they're not human.

   I live every day like it's Friday the 13th.

   Break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

   I'm almost 60. That's the age you start thinking to yourself: Is a reverse mortgage right for me?

   If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.