Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Waiting on my Canada Smoke Stimulus Check

   Party at my house on July 4th., just bring the beer, meat and veggies. I got the plates.

   The best time of day for a prostate exam is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

   New song. Smoke on the water, Fire in Canada

   All women over 40 have garlic breath.

   I'm at the age where I don't want to throw away a box because, well, it's a really nice box.

   Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”? Simply buy normal jeans and put on a sheetload of weight.

   I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

   I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

   When will these social media model wannabes learn that guys drool over anything. The only things required are 2 t'ts, a hole, and a heartbeat. Heartbeat optional.

   My smart mouth always gets me in trouble. And if it's not my mouth, it's my facial expressions.

   Did you know that 36% of women are battered ... and all this time ...I've been eating them raw

   Everybody hates a cliffhanger because of the

   God always answers prayers. The problem is 99% of the time the answer is "no."

   Q. What has red hair, big shoes and lives in a test tube? A. Bozo the Clone.

   Country music

   Hunter Biden walks away from multiple felony charges. The media; look, a submarine!

   Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested. Everything you say can and WILL be used against you... So use your right to remain silent!

   There have been a lot of tasteless jokes about the lost Titan submarine. How could people sink so low?

   TITAN? More like TiN cAN. RIP Explorers