Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You may be an open book but I'm a bit more complicated than that. The inner macanations of my mind are an enigma

   If you cant dazzle them with your brilliance, baffle them with your bull$hit. -Abraham Lincoln

   I don't get the toilet seat issue that woman have. I won't put my naked butt on anything without looking at it first. Apparently some woman ar not so discriminating

   Damn white cars that look like cop cars! I just chugged my beer super fast for nothing

   Doing the old....how many woman have I slept with count....God I hate fractions

   The new ending to Harry Potter is lame. He says Abra Cadabra and Steve Miller reaches out and grabs Voldemort.

   Florida, you just want attention don't you? Casey Anthony, Tim Tebow, the election of 2000. Its always about you, isn't it?

   Always be positive! For example: I am positive that I hate Casey Anthony.

   I like to relive my single days when my wife gets home late by eating dinner standing over the sink.

   A fool is a wise man's ladder.

   If you don't define yourself for yourself, you will be crunched into other people's fantasies and abused till kingdom come.

   Canadian bacon is just ham wrapped in a lie

   Excuse me Casey Anthony, but OJ had the best murder trial of all time!!! - Kanye West

   Next up on espn , womans soc... click.

   Whoever wants to kill Casey Anthony, should probably do so in Florida.

   Not So Good Pick-up Line #7: Girl, your dad must be a lobster… because all your meat is in the tail!

   I think I had too much to drink last night because I left the door open the whole time I was peeing. That might not sound bad, but when you're driving 65 mph, it can cause all kinds of problems.

   America has Talent..but a little weak on the selection process for Jurors in Florida

   Casey Anthony tried to celebrate her acquittal last night at Chili's but waiters kept walking by singing, "I want my babyback babyback babyback... I want my babyback babyback babyback..."

   I guess what I'm proudest of is my ability to make the tough choices in hypothetical situations.