Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I talk to a strangers like we're old friends and then hope that they walk away thinking "Where the hell do I know that guy from?"

   Hot weather drinking tip: Consume a fist full of aspirin, down a bottle of vodka and go stand out in the sun for about seven hours. Its fun

   house shoes...check....pajama bottoms...check....tank tops with no bra....check....Yep, I'm at Wal-Mart!

   Everyone hits a brick wall now and then, the trick is not to do it with your head.

   The best things in life are free……for the first 90 days.

   You can't win. I'm better at this than you are.

   A lot of people constantly complain about Monday's, Tuesday's and Wednesday's being the worst part of the week, I have discovered that with the right mix of Jack Daniels and sleeping pills those days no longer have to happen.

   INSTALLING RAIN FOR TEXAS ████ 44% DONE... please wait. Installation failed. Please try again.404 error:Rain not found. Weather "Rain" cannot be located. The weather you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed or temp. unavai

   can't spell "female" without "fml"..

   When life hands you lemons, make apple cider. Because life will be expecting you to make lemonade, so you'll have the element of surprise. Then you can be all "yeahhhh son, whatchu got now, life?? Nothing! You got nothing!"

   Arguing with your Boss is like fighting a pig in mud. In the end , you will get dirty and he actually enjoys it.

   Inception just umm... my head kind of... I hope this isn't a dream...

   Seems those who wear Princess, Sexy, and MILF on a T-shirt...usually are NOT.

   Took off all the straws on my kids Capri Suns and threw them out the window on my way to work.....THUG LIFE!!

   The love you can't have lasts the longest...feels the strongest...and hurts the most.

   Apparently I have "Sucker" written across my forehead that only women can see...well played XX chromosome, well played indeed...

   Confucius says, It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

   dont you hate it when you grab the last Capri Sun pouch and theres no straw to attached it with

   Wow! You breathe oxygen too? Guess we have a lot in common.

   Take photos of friends with their face squished against glass. Assign to your phone contacts, it'll look like they're trapped inside your phone.