Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wal Mart is a scary place after dark

   Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade's gonna suck!

   Message to Scotland Yard Canteen Manager: Please wear a suit to work tomorrow, as you are now their highest ranking employee.

   I married my wife for her looks, just not the ones she has been giving me lately

   if poop were people.... then I just sh#t Lou Farrigno

   You think a day care has a lot of crying babies and screaming kids? Try playing one online match in Call of Duty v_v

   Facebook was the most searched term on Google last month. If you need Google to find Facebook, you shouldn't be using the internet.

   Remember, they're laughing with you, not at you. They're only pointing at you so you know who they're laughing with.

   Don't tell me anything about the new Harry Potter film! I still haven't seen the first 6 films.

   I'm convinced that you could start a fire with the insides of a just nuked Hot Pocket.

   I still say they would sell way more PT Cruisers if they would just put a ZZ Top logo on the side.

   That'll do, Jamie Lee Curtis. I think we are all now sufficiently aware of how well and often you poop. Enough.

   As you Mature... you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..

   If it aint broken dont fix it. Now why did Facebook people have to mess with the CHAT?

   I would like to congratulate Charlie Sheen on his demotion from CBS to TBS...If he keeps progrssing at this pace, his next stop should be "dinner theater" at an L.A. soup kitchen.

   Don't have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..

   Relationships are like jobs, they require full time, overtime, no paid time off, and the benefits are based on performance.

   If I could do it all over again... I probably wouldn't be pu$$y and make the remark "If I could do it all over again."

   Transitions Lenses are a great way let people know you wear socks when you're having sex.

   Everyone has that moment of terror when their line of thinking goes from "Where did I park my car?" to "Did someone steal my f*cking car?"