Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tried to leave a voicemail for my mom but she picked up. I was forced to drop my phone into my gf's purse and shake it around for 10 minutes.

   Smurfs-v-Snorks on the Deadliest Warrior......make it happen.

   ____ is thankful that I don't have a "swear jar" today. That son-of-a-b!tch would be filled right to the top.

   "GET YOUR ASS IN LINE"...~House Speaker John BOEhner's statement to fellow Republicans....I suspect a flurry of worker's comp claims.

   Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don't stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."

   Most men discover that they've crossed the line from flirty to creepy five years too late.

   I dont think I'll ever be able to eat bugles with out first putting them on my fingers and roaring first

   IMAGINE if Facebook, Twitter, and msn all broke at the same time. We might have to actually get lives

   On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?

   Hulu is coming to PS3. Finally I can watch TV on my TV.

   omg I just found out I'm allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!

   Shut up voices!! Or I'll poke you with a Q-tip again!!

   People say you can't live without love... I think oxygen is more important

   Wal-mart... "do they, like, make walls there?" -Paris Hilton

   Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

   Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she will take it anyway.

   Don't feel bad, alot of people don't have talent either

   Does Cheese say 'People!' when taking a picture?

   Dinosaurs aren't extinct, they're just hiding.

   It's a shame the guy who invented the wheel didn't make a fortune from his invention, but the guy who invented Wheel of Fortune did.