Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wrong # call = boring. Wrong text message = fun. Some1 text me "Carl, where the hell r u?" I responded "sex change, call you back as Carla."

   my relationship status and my underwear situation are one in the same. (It's complicated)

   If I've learned one thing in life it's: No matter what the problem is, alcohol is always the answer.

   Where's Waldo has created a generation of women who chase unavailable men.

   "Girls night out" is the best way to say "No one wants to date me."

   No Facebook, I don't want to have you as my home page. I actually have a life -_-

   I've been internet single since before the internet was invented.

   What kind of lunch boxes do super heroes take to school?

   Girls: Going into detail about your period is about as attractive as a guy trying to detail the smell of his brother's scrotum.

   I LOVE my new x rated -GPS "Ahhh right there! Yes! Yes! Right there! Don't stop!!"

   One day my imaginary friend said to me: ''Do realize I am the real one and I am imagining you, right?''

   Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you

   Walking into your closet not knowing whenever it'll be Monsters Inc. or Narnia

   They say that life's a dream… well call this insomnia

   4 words to ruin any meal: Fred and Ethel porn

   If you're using your girlfriend or boyfriends name as your password, can I punch you? Or would that make you more stupid?

   The world judges me by the decisions I make… but it never see the options I had to choose from

   GRUMPY OLD MAN "You need to pick up after your dog!!" ME "It's pee! If you want to grab a straw and suck it up… be my guest"

   21 Minutes of battery life left. "That's enough time for me to finish what I am doing" 6 Minutes Later: Laptop Shuts Down "You piece of sh*t! You lied to me!"

   The best things in life aren't free, they're 16 bucks a case and either 60 bucks at the cat house or the cost of room and board at home.