flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Every time a cat dies, somewhere out there "Curiosity" is high-fiving his buddies.

   I have to remind myself this weekend there will be many Halloween parties. So don't go by instinct and start shooting zombies in the head.

   My wife is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and currently looking over my shoulder

   Futurist, writer, strategist, social media guru, comedian, consultant, entrepreneur, horny. One out of the seven is true about me.

   I'll never be mature enough to hear the term “natural gas” and not giggle a little.

   I wonder how many calories a women burns trying to avoid sex?

   The neighbor's baby is wearing a baseball cap. Like anyone would pick a baby for their team.

   I pretended to work all day while dreaming about big boobs

   Had many interesting conversations today, but don't remember any of them... Come to think of it, I wasn't even listening.

   Tebow is white, plays against Miami, loved by fans, and only plays well in the 4th quarter - he's the anti-LeBron

   Just once I would like to hear a rapper say that he is pretty average with the rhymes.

   Today's agenda: get out of bed fast enough to see my body imprint in the memory foam matress before it disappears.

   I hope your affairs are in order. Harold Camping says today is rapture day. Again.

   The worries that I bury in my mind continue to pop up like Thriller zombies who can't dance.

   If Paranormal Activity 3, The Ring, and Poltergeist taught me anything, it's that little girls are absolutely terrifying.

   A semi-literate bear enthusiast will feel misled after clicking on the "grisly photo" link in Yahoo News Libya coverage.

   Maybe if the Libyans spent less time firing into the air, the civil war could have ended 4 months ago.

   I hate when my dog stares at me while I'm having sex. That's why I bang him from behind.

   I assume a pretend apple a day keeps the honorary doctorate types away.

   'Anonymous' is a film about how Shakespeare was really a no-talent hack, by the guy who made 'Godzilla' & '10,000 BC.'