Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Biologically speaking, the human body requires certain things to work in order to make a baby. Unfortunately a brain isn't one of them.

   Whenever I get a friend request Facebook should allow me free access to their wall and pics regardless of privacy settings so I can see who I'm dealing with. Some of you are so creepy your profile pic might as well be a white panel van.

   I just figured out what it is I say to people to get them to tell me their innermost, messed-up thoughts: "Hi."

   I just thought of something that really sucks. How are you?

   I spent most of the weekend interacting with real friends instead of being on Facebook. It was a horrible decision.

   Yesterday my coworker gave me the finger but today we're cool... this morning he high 4'd me.

   My computer just told me that "hgsfdahgdf.jpg" already exists... WHAT THE F*CK... I'm buying a lottery ticket.

   Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She's been talking for the last 2 days and doesn't seem ready to shut up anytime soon.

   If anyone asks, I've been here all day. You all are now apart of my alibi... don't f*ck this up!

   Sometimes I like to re---post my statuses that didn't get any "Likes"... because they deserve a second chance too.

   People only bring up your past when they are intimidated by your present!

   Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up!! You don't know where it's been!!!"

   Sometimes I look at what someone is wearing and I can't help but think, "Damn GIRL, did you give up on life?"

   F*CK You ↑ You ↖ You ↗ You ↙ You → You ↓ You ↩ You ↪ You ↬ You ↫ You ↪ You ↩ You ↲ You ↯ You ↱ You ↰ You ↷ You ↳ You ↶ You ↴ You ↵ And You ↺

   If you're offended by a woman's foul mouth... then you've probably never made one cumm! :)

   So this girl at a coffee bar came up to me and said I was kinda cute. Kinda? Well, thanks, you sort of fat b!tch.

   Dear credit card company, Your endless calls are a waste of both your time and mine. If you were dumb enough to approve me for a credit card at the height of my alcoholism... be smart now and realize my sober ass isn't payin' you sh!t.

   Lying in bed last night unable to sleep and my girlfriend asked me how many sexual partners I've had. Counting them certainly put me to sleep.

   Why isn't there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"

   I hate when women look at me as a sex object.. Girl, objects don't move the way I do... ;)