Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know your vacation sucks when you're constantly writing updates about it on Facebook.

   asked by his wife to buy her something that goes from 0 to 80 in less than 5 seconds for her birthday...but she didn't like the weighing scale I got her.

   im not sure how to say this but I'm gonna say it the only way I know how but...I wanna have sex Katy Perry.

   It always confuses me when I see that sign in the bathroom that reads..."DO NOT FLUSH FOREIGN OBJECTS"...ha! Yeah, as if what's coming out of my a$$ isn't Foreign enough!

   I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet, but only for about 30 seconds.

   A flash mob sounds alot more fun then it actually is.

   Recent studies have shown that smoking marijuana destroys the memory.. well if thats true, then what does smoking marijuana do?

   it just me,or is Stevie Nicks starting to look like Johnny Cash?

   n't it strange how hot sexy women always drive cute little cars? Which reminds me - the MOT's due on the wife's Transit.

   Hi, I'm Tweeting from casualty. Nothing to worry about, just turns out the new Dyson ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

   I remember when I was the bad ass that had to walk at the end of the line in kindergarten.

   I've just bought a new boomarang; took me 3 weeks to throw the old one away!

   Smart phones shouldn't be given to dumb people. It's like giving an annoyingly loud toy to an obnoxious child.

   Watched way too much Shark week episodes last week. I fell off a pool float yesterday in the pool and started panicking.....

   Never take anyone seriously who takes GOLF seriously.

   My life is like watching The 3 Stooges in spanish

   Most elderly women look like they put their lipstick on with their feet.

   Technically all breakfasts are continental, unless you eat them in the ocean.

   How can you just assume that a gallon of whiskey a day has a negative effect on my life?

   Today my daughter asked me if beavers have whiskers. I told her it's the woman's right to choose